I Went to an Al-Anon Meeting the Other Day
I walked into the room. It was a small conference-style room with a big table in the middle. I was relieved to see that there were only two people there. I told them it was my first time.
I wasn't sure what to expect or whether I'd feel nervous, but before I got there I decided I would participate and try to get all that I could out of the experience.
They each gave me a soft-spoken welcome and then the woman who seemed to be the leader asked if I wanted to be a volunteer reader. She handed me a page titled "Al-Anon Familly Do's and Don'ts."
Sure, I said.
I took the page from her and started to silently read it as more people arrived. I felt tears welling in my eyes. I worried I would be too emotional to read it in front of the group but assured myself that if there were ever a place it was okay to get emotional it was there.
As we waited for the room to populate it felt like I was in a movie. I'd seen it so many times depicted on film. Even if the meeting did nothing for me I was excited for the experience.
I hadn't even been aware until recently that a 12-step program for families of alcoholics existed. I'd heard the term 'Al-Anon' before but thought it was just an updated, unstigmatized way to say Alcoholics Anonymous.
Actually it would make sense, because thinking about it now I remember that my doctor once recommended it to me. He scribbled it on his pad like a prescription when I visited him one time in high school. I was there to ask about anti-depressants after a bad episode at home, but he told me that they weren't really meant for coping with external stressors.
I didn't look into it further at the time. I think I probably would have died anyway before attending a meeting like this, for being from in a small town and how shy I was.
It didn't think about it again until this year, which I guess was the first time I started to really consider how growing up in an alcoholic household was still affecting me. I think I've gotten to the point where I've lived and experienced enough to realize that I'm having trouble with certain things.
I've put walls up which probably served me a very good purpose when I was younger, but which now prevent me from any real form of connection. And it's because of this, because my past seems to be showing up so fervently in the present, that I found myself in an Al-Anon meeting.
When everyone sat down they opened with a prayer.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
Then they went around the table with various announcements and readings. I started to get a sense of the format, which was just like all the times I saw it on television.
Before someone spoke they would say their name, and then everyone around the table would say their name and welcome them. They did that even if most of the group already knew who they were, and even if they'd already spoken.
Whenever someone finished speaking, everyone would clap. They never commented on what the person said. They just clapped, and then someone else would share.
I think it's a very good method. One that I'm sure would be useful for other areas in my life. As much as we hear it, it really shows the value in just listening to someone and not offering up any advice. Just listening to them without any judgement.
The funny thing was, I noticed that as they went on uninterrupted they started to sort out their problems themselves as they heard their own situations out loud. Not only is it therapeutic to be able to speak aloud about what's bothering you, but I think it's very helpful to hear other people talking about their problems. Especially without the pressure to have to say anything back.
So often we hide our hardships from people and wind up thinking that we're the only ones going through it. I noticed this with my life group at church too, where we really talk about what we're going through with each other. Sometimes I think I have it so hard and it's a relief when I hear through other people's experiences that that's just the way life is.
Going around the table I noticed a pattern about the adult children of alcoholics' desire for control. Like we all felt we weren't safe unless we could control and predict every situation we were in. Whether it was to do with our "qualifiers" (the people in our family that qualify us to be in Al-Anon), new people, or even just a change of plans.
Some spoke about how delighted they were that they were able to enter a new situation over the holidays and to have felt safe to do so. I learned quickly that one of the key concepts of Al-Anon is relinquishing control.
When I shared my own story, I added that I'd made it my resolution this year to forgive. It was only a fluke that I wound up in the meeting on the second day of the year, and that the very first line of my reading was forgive.
Even though I knew it was part of their procedure, it felt good when everyone clapped for me after I spoke. It's hard to talk about these things but it's part of the process and I'm proud I shared. I'm about to go to another meeting now.
Al-Anon Family Do's and Don'ts
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