The Year You Saved Me
In the past if I'd ever gotten close enough to a Christian to hear them say the kinds of things like what I just said, I probably would have been wondering what kind of icky, parallel dimension I'd found myself in and tried to rocket launch myself out of there immediately.
The way that I was raised by my parents was to put up a large wall, thousands of feet high, with an enclosed roof to protect myself against the horrors of Jesus Christ.
After all, Jesus and the cult of Christianity was scary. It's only now that I can look back and imagine why that was. I think that it's because life was scary, and the idea that a divine creator could put us through the things we went through was unfathomable.
It would be much more comfortable to believe that we could take control of our own lives. That we could create safety and security in a way that was 'reasonable' for ourselves. The irony, though, was that it lead to doom. Just like the people of the old testament who tried and tried again to follow all of the rules only to be lead back into temptation, constantly forgetting God's love for them.
I tried too, I tried as hard as I possibly could to get away from the mess I was raised in, out of the house, my hometown and ultimately the country to try and make a life for myself. By my own strength I tried to solve my problems by working hard and creating my own name.
And wouldn't it have happened, that when I moved all the way to La La Land I was faced with the longest film industry strikes in history. I left my friends and family to put all I had into something that turned out to be so fickle.
I also tried without success to find a husband, like that could be some kind of alternative to fixing my problems for myself. I could start a family with someone who was stable and secure, someone who could rescue me. I tried so hard to find the man in my imagination that I passed up on lovely people who were not perfect but who were suitable and had good intentions, because I was looking for something more.
Something so big that at one time, at the beginning of the year I actually questioned my faith against the person I was dating. He was a seemingly normal person who thought that my love of God (which I explained to him was equivalent to a love for life) was unsettling. When that didn't work out it served as lesson, one that God had been trying to teach me over and over again, which was not to try to put things before him however tempting they might seem.
I read the bible more and about the Good News in the New Testament and got involved in Christian community. It was through those things that I realized that Jesus was the one for me. Jesus was the one who came to earth as a humble, accessible, human being born in a manger. He's the God that came to us, as love made flesh to forgive and redeem us and offer a new way to live.
I've spoken about how I came to know God initially in another blog post, but this year was the year that I came to understand what it meant to 'accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.' Because before that, I had a more general understanding about the God that I saw represented in all of the world's religions.
This year I decided that I was ready to be baptized in the Christian faith and in so doing declare my faith in Jesus. How exciting that was for me to take that step in my faith and commit to Him. I learned though, that getting baptized and being 'saved' were not necessarily the same thing.
In fact, shortly after my baptism, when I expected that God would shine his face down on me from heaven and rescue me right away from all of my fears and doubts, I was faced with an attack from the 'enemy.'
The enemy or the idea of Satan is that doubting, fearful voice in our heads that tells us we don't have what we need and that we have to fight to get it. It's the voice that tries to 'reason' with us and tell us that the notion of putting our faith and trust into someone else's hands is not only scary but ridiculous.
Being baptized was a bold step and it came with a test, and thankfully I'd spent enough time in the church to recognize it for what it was. I understood that a declaration of that magnitude would come with strong opposition, and I let the feelings pass.
In the days after as I continued to face seeming setbacks to life in LA, I contemplated more about what my goals were and who they were really for. I described in my Hollywood revelation, that I didn't want to fight anymore about what God had for me. That I didn't want to struggle against his will for my life, and if no more opportunities were to come up then I could simply go back to Toronto, or even change careers, if that was what he wanted me to do.
That was when I was saved. The moment that I reluctantly handed over every last idol and stopped using God as a means to get what I wanted is when he truly saved me. And I can honestly say that even though nothing in the physical world around me changed, I felt a true peace and happiness that was missing from my life.
I was happy that I could take the pressure off and knew that I was going to be okay no matter what, even if my life turned out differently than what I imagined. I let myself believe that what God wanted for me was good, and then I stepped aside and let him do what he wanted. And when I did, I fully expected new hardships and I was ready to embrace them, but that wasn't what happened.
When I let go of my plans the phone started to ring, and all of a sudden, opportunity after opportunity started presenting themselves. And they weren't the ones that I was seeking after, the ones that I was cold calling and pitching myself for, they called me out of the blue.
The jobs came back and it reminded me that God was always going to take care of me, and even better yet the jobs were in my hometown. What a special opportunity, to be able to work at my dream career back at home with my family that I missed so much. I moved all the way to Hollywood thinking it would make my life complete only to be brought back to the place where I started.
I returned to LA after a couple of fulfilling projects and time spent with family with a fresh set of eyes. LA's a beautiful place to wake up to, not a prison I've been condemned to. I get to run in the mountains everyday and I even got to share it with my sister this year.
It wasn't like, as I feared, that if I gave my life to him I would realize that I was on the wrong road all along and he would send me to a monastery to live a life of solitude and repentance. He has always had everything ready to give me, he just wanted me to love him first.
This year was beautiful and better than anything I could have imagined. I had all of the work I needed and even started working with a new agent who booked a Beetlejuice commercial, which landed me my first award nomination. I got to take my sister to Italy. I got to work at the premiere of Star Wars, which as a life-long Disney nerd was hard to believe was real. I got to go with the cast of Star Trek to the Saturn Awards. I spent time with old and new friends and new family members, and I stopped trying so hard to find someone to marry me.
I know now because he has shown me over and over again that God has a perfect plan for my life, and I don't want to try to force myself into anything less. So my prayer for the new year is that I would keep trusting him, to continue to see the beauty in every situation and to be grateful for the lessons he teaches me, even the hard ones. I accept it all. I want whatever you want for me.
Listen to what the ego says and see what it directs you see, and it is sure that you will see yourself as tiny, vulnerable, and afraid. You will experience depression, a sense of worthlessness, and feelings of impermanence and unreality. You will believe that you are helpless prey to forces beyond your own control and far more powerful than you. And you will think the world you made directs your destiny. For this will be your faith. But never believe because it is your faith it makes reality. A Course in Miracles
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Happy for you! <3
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